Friday, June 3, 2011
I am not technologically minded
Crap! I just deleted all of the comments that were on my blog! To those of you who commented, thanks and I am sorry I accidentally deleted your words....won't happen again (maybe lol)
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
On Being a Limbo Star....
LIMBO! Not exactly fond of the place. But, Robert and I, (like most members of our families, some who have lived there for quite some time now), have been living there for a short while. THE VOID. Which is just another name for Limbo - but actually describes the feeling of the place. Did I say feeling? Sigh, there IS no feeling in Limbo.....it's DE-void of feeling.
Robert brought this up the other night. He said he felt like there was a big void spot inside him, that there was no feeling breaking the surface. I admitted to him I have felt this way since we were told about the pancreatic cancer and even more so since he had his CT scan. It's waiting for the doctor to call that is so hard to really deal with.....possibly waiting for a death sentence.....and hoping with every ounce of self that the call does not come.....that Robert will simply got to his scheduled appointment June 7 and that the doc will tell him yes, there is something wrong, but that they can do something that doesn't involve removing half his insides.....and that we can go on with our life together, growing old together like we want.
This is a place I do not like....this place of blankness, of feeling like something is off, a feeling of nothingness. I do not like this Limbo, this void. And I know Robert is even more embedded in that void right now and I know it is for self preservation, and I know he doesn't like that feeling either.
I want to leave this empty place. And I want to leave quickly...and I want to leave knowing that Robert will be ok, that the two of us will get thru this together and have those years we want together.....
But, we won't leave yet, we won't abandon the Void, the blank emptiness. We won't leave Limbo yet, because all the emptiness, the blank nothingness is also our cocoon, our defense against the FEAR.
Robert brought this up the other night. He said he felt like there was a big void spot inside him, that there was no feeling breaking the surface. I admitted to him I have felt this way since we were told about the pancreatic cancer and even more so since he had his CT scan. It's waiting for the doctor to call that is so hard to really deal with.....possibly waiting for a death sentence.....and hoping with every ounce of self that the call does not come.....that Robert will simply got to his scheduled appointment June 7 and that the doc will tell him yes, there is something wrong, but that they can do something that doesn't involve removing half his insides.....and that we can go on with our life together, growing old together like we want.
This is a place I do not like....this place of blankness, of feeling like something is off, a feeling of nothingness. I do not like this Limbo, this void. And I know Robert is even more embedded in that void right now and I know it is for self preservation, and I know he doesn't like that feeling either.
I want to leave this empty place. And I want to leave quickly...and I want to leave knowing that Robert will be ok, that the two of us will get thru this together and have those years we want together.....
But, we won't leave yet, we won't abandon the Void, the blank emptiness. We won't leave Limbo yet, because all the emptiness, the blank nothingness is also our cocoon, our defense against the FEAR.
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