One of the recent things that Robert has been going through is a constant pain in his back which radiates sometimes all the way to his shoulders, but mostly is located in his lower back, and off to the side. Now, just to get you all up to speed, Robert is NOT a touchy feely kind of guy - even after a lot of physical work, he would refuse back massages (I give pretty darn good massages). But, very recently he asked me to rub his back; he said it really helped with the pain and made it bearable. And so I very willingly lightly rub his back when asked. Which, if under any other circumstances would cause me extreme delight. Now, I am calm and loving as I rub his back and thankful that I can give him some relief. It gives me a chance to do something for him. So, what I like to do is when he is ready for bed, I mute the t.v., turn off the bedroom light, put on the meditation music he mosts enjoys and rub his back, putting forth all the love and healing energies I can while doing so. And I can feel his body relax under my hand; his breathing becomes closer to the breathing of a comfortably sleeping man. All the while I am thinking that I wish this wasn't necesssary because it makes me realize how ill he must really be. All the while I am wishing I wasn't rubbing away pain....wishing there was no pain to rub away.
Today was a pretty good day. Last night I rubbed his back. And he said that he was very warm, in fact, hot- which is quite a switch because I'M the one with the built-in heater...but, his skin was warm to the touch in the area the pain was. So, as the music played, and I rubbed the love into his muscles and body, he slowly relaxed enough to go to sleep. And when I came to bed, he held me all night, and it was good.
Today we did a lot of talking, as we are prone to do now. We talk about what may be coming, what may happen, what we might do. We took a couple of walks today, it was really nice weather. FINALLY. And we shared our thoughts about what each of us were feeling and how we may react down the road. When confirmation comes.....
Today his back wasn't bothering him too much. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the seconds when he only has bearable pain.
Today was a good day...time spent together, time being shared. He's sleeping now...I didn't rub his back....but I'm thinking I'm going to start doing that every night, even when his pain is bearable.....because I don't want him to feel ANY pain....and if I can do that by rubbing his back every night, it is something I want to do.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The Universe does what IT wants
Well, I haven't blogged in a while, I had even written down little notes to blog about. But, like it has done so many times, life has thrown me a curve.
I was going to post about sex offenders being released back into society. The Royal Wedding - with Victoria Beckham in black (although loved her maternity dress) and the fact her husband, David, had worn his medal on the wrong side (for shame, David). Was going to vent (or stand on my portable soap box as Robert calls my rants) about Emperor Stephen (Harper) and all the stupid things he is doing. Not to mention the idiot politicians in the United States.
But, those seem so very trivial at the moment. Now, besides worry about Laura, Queen of the Universe http://lauraqofu.blogspot.com/ and her midget, my granddaughter,;my eldest, Jenni and her spawn, the family, etc., I get to try and keep myself grounded and wrap my head around the fact that I may lose my beloved husband, Robert.
You see, after a routine physical, then some more test, then more tests, the doctor has scheduled a CT Scan of the abdomen/pelvic area for Robert because they are pretty sure he may have Pancreatic Cancer. The CT scan is just to confirm and see how this dis-ease has progressed. CANCER. A word I have feared and dealt with all my life. I have lost people I love to this. I have been scared shitless numerous times because I have had skin cancer several times. I fear my kids might develop this terrible thing. And now, here I am, sitting at the computer at 1:30 am - yes, in the morning, looking out my balcony door, looking at Sister Moon shining down at me, trying to make sense of it all. And I can't.
I can't make sense why things that are bad have happened to my family. And now, the one person I have wanted to spend my life with, to not be without, may be lost to me some day - a whole lot sooner than I ever wanted. A whole lot sooner than I thought or planned on. And it won't be sudden. It will be painful for him, physically and emotionally - he is more worried about me than himself.
So, I will be blogging more often, as days go on. About what is happening with me, Robert and that awful word, Cancer. His CT Scan is May 26 - but, I am sure I will have lots of words written down here on my blog, Lou's Log. Lots of words.
And in case you haven't noticed, I love Robert with every ounce of my being, my mind, my heart and my soul. And he loves me, which dear ones, is no great feat. I have grown as a person, a woman, because of that wonderful love of his.....I only hope I have done the same for him.
So, for now, I am going to curl up next to my love, try to get some sleep, perhaps to dream and relive the wonderful full years we have shared.
I was going to post about sex offenders being released back into society. The Royal Wedding - with Victoria Beckham in black (although loved her maternity dress) and the fact her husband, David, had worn his medal on the wrong side (for shame, David). Was going to vent (or stand on my portable soap box as Robert calls my rants) about Emperor Stephen (Harper) and all the stupid things he is doing. Not to mention the idiot politicians in the United States.
But, those seem so very trivial at the moment. Now, besides worry about Laura, Queen of the Universe http://lauraqofu.blogspot.com/ and her midget, my granddaughter,;my eldest, Jenni and her spawn, the family, etc., I get to try and keep myself grounded and wrap my head around the fact that I may lose my beloved husband, Robert.
You see, after a routine physical, then some more test, then more tests, the doctor has scheduled a CT Scan of the abdomen/pelvic area for Robert because they are pretty sure he may have Pancreatic Cancer. The CT scan is just to confirm and see how this dis-ease has progressed. CANCER. A word I have feared and dealt with all my life. I have lost people I love to this. I have been scared shitless numerous times because I have had skin cancer several times. I fear my kids might develop this terrible thing. And now, here I am, sitting at the computer at 1:30 am - yes, in the morning, looking out my balcony door, looking at Sister Moon shining down at me, trying to make sense of it all. And I can't.
I can't make sense why things that are bad have happened to my family. And now, the one person I have wanted to spend my life with, to not be without, may be lost to me some day - a whole lot sooner than I ever wanted. A whole lot sooner than I thought or planned on. And it won't be sudden. It will be painful for him, physically and emotionally - he is more worried about me than himself.
So, I will be blogging more often, as days go on. About what is happening with me, Robert and that awful word, Cancer. His CT Scan is May 26 - but, I am sure I will have lots of words written down here on my blog, Lou's Log. Lots of words.
And in case you haven't noticed, I love Robert with every ounce of my being, my mind, my heart and my soul. And he loves me, which dear ones, is no great feat. I have grown as a person, a woman, because of that wonderful love of his.....I only hope I have done the same for him.
So, for now, I am going to curl up next to my love, try to get some sleep, perhaps to dream and relive the wonderful full years we have shared.
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