Wednesday, November 10, 2010

No News Is Good News? Then News Must Be Bad.....

OK, the old saying, "no news is good news" came out of my doctor's mouth when I was going thru my blood tests, my physical, mammagram, my pap smear, colon cancer test (the "poop" test),  etc.  Fine, I'm OK with that because in the last few years, he hasn't called back with test results.  But, about a week after my blood test, the doc's office calls and says Doctor wants me to come in THE NEXT DAY for a blood test for my potassium. Asking why, the wonderful nurse tells me "for  research". That's a new one.....so blood was taken again last week.

This morning at 11:43 CST, I got a call from the doctor's office. Hi, Dr. wants you to come in for a "follow-up" on your blood tests. Can you come in on Monday? (This is Wednesday, by the way). Sure, I say, cheerfully.  After hanging up, the tears came, streaming down my face, no warning, no sobs, no nothing, just a flood of tears.  Then it hit me (or actually, the brain kicked in, full force and like a runaway train):  THIS IS NEWS ABOUT MY BLOOD TESTS. Which, according to the addage, must be BAD NEWS.  So, now, I am sitting here typing away, my chest is so tight I can't get a breath, tears coming sporadically.  And it's ONLY WEDNESDAY!

Now, dear people, I usually have the outlook of Pollyanna, trying to see the silver in the clouds, the rose in the colour of life.....but right now, I find it highly impossible to be reasonable and calm,  logical or rational. All I want to do is call The Daughter (my youngest, Laura, Queen of the Universe, http://lauraqofu.blogspot.com/) RIGHT NOW and tell her, but I don't want to upset her or have her worry for days. I want ROBERT to call me NOW from his break at work. And I am sitting here pushing the minutes on the clock to a time that my Robert will call. And I can't make the clock go faster or make the phone ring. I can sit here and try to breathe instead, I guess. 

So, this is Wednesday, counting today it won't be for another 5 days plus one sleep before I find out what is going on......and yes, it may just be something minor, but it's the No News is Good News thing I can't get over. Right now anyway. I'm scared shitless.......

Sunday, October 17, 2010

I Wish I Could Take Away The Pain

If you have read any of my blogs, you would have noticed, Laura, Queen of the Universe, in one or two. This is my youngest daughter - and this is my comment to her blog - you can go see for yourself at http://lauraqofu.blogspot.com/, I think the title is "Fuck Off Diabetes". For those of you who don't want to go to her site, here is the entry:

Fuck Off Diabetes

There will be no funny or witty in this post. I'm warning you now, and I'll likely take it down, but I need to get this out, need to know that someone in the universe is hearing me, and I need to do it in a place the midget can't see it. She doesn't read my blog. It's not allowed, and it's blocked on her computer. I do that so I can say nasty things about her other parents, post not so appropriate pictures of myself and have a corner of the universe that I don't have to censor myself in relation to her.

It's 1:30 in the morning, and we're having the worst diabetes week we've had since diagnosis. Insane blood glucose numbers, ever increasing insulin needs, ketone testing...and the endless blood sugar testing. My daughter is a pin cushion, and I hate myself each time I jam another needle into her skin, when she winces, but doesn't say anything, when it hurts badly enough that she says "Ow, that one hurt," it feels like razors cutting my heart to ribbons.

170 days since diagnosis. 170 days since I leaned against the wall in the hallway outside the emergency room and allowed myself the luxury of five minutes of tears. 170 days since I called the exgirlfriend and the midget's father in the middle of the night and told them to get to the hospital NOW! 170 days since I watched them strap my daughter to a gurney and load her into an ambulance. 170 days since I heard the term "PICU" and realized that's where my daughter was going. 170 days of trying to readjust to normal, and realize that nothing was ever going to be normal again.

170 means at least 700 finger pricks and 700 injections. And that's assuming that every day we only test four times and give four injections. Which never, ever happens. When she runs high, I give corrections, then check again to see if she's come down. When she runs low, I give sugar, then recheck to make sure she's gone back up. Not even six months in and she's had 1500 holes poked into her body.

I'm sitting here at 1:30 in the morning waiting for it to be 2am so that I can test her again, and then lay down and try to sleep, but I know that I will instead spend the rest of the night waking up every thirty minutes to make sure she hasn't gone low in her sleep, because she doesn't wake up when she goes low while sleeping, which could mean...I can't even bring myself to type the word, can't bring myself to use it in conjunction with my beautiful, precious daughter...but it would be bad, very bad.

On the other hand...when she runs high all night like she has all this week, I think about all that sugar in her blood, and the damage it's doing to her body, knowing that it's coating the blood vessels in her heart and her eyes and her kidneys, another layer of damage, bringing her that much closer irreparable harm. It sickens me, makes me physically ill, makes me want to scream and cry.

170 days of wishing that I could take her place for each finger stick and injection. 170 of wishing I could take away her diabetes. 170 of wishing there was a cure...

AND HERE IS MY COMMENT:


What can I say to my youngest daughter who is in constant pain for her daughter? What can I say to my youngest daughter whose life consists of her own physical pain and the pain she experiences for her own daughter? What can I say to her when she asks why, when she suffers so much for her Midget that is her life?  Nothing....nothing I haven't said already, which doesn't take away the Lupus, the Diabetes and the consequences of these horrible devastating diseases.

Laura - don't take this post down...let it stand, as it is - words have power. And even tho you are struggling to understand and overcome all of this, it could be a beacon of light to another mom or dad who is struggling with their pain and their lives with a Type 1 child.  To let them know they are not alone - even tho that doesn't take away all the evil, vile things that this disease is and does, they will know they are not alone.

And to let the world know about what goes on in someone's daily life that has to live with their precious child's pain and suffering as well as their own pain and suffering and confusion and all the emotions that are wrapped up in your life.

All I can say is I love you, Laura.  And Boogie is so loved by her Nana and Papa....and I cry and my heart breaks and hurts because we can't make any of this go away.


Friday, September 24, 2010

Autumnal Equinox- Second Harvest

Second Harvest, the Autumnal Equinox, Witches' Thanksgiving, Harvest Home, Mabon, Equal Day, Demeter and Persephone, Harvest Moon.  All of these things represent this time of year. The start of one of my favorite times of the Wheel.

This is the start of the time that Persephone must begin her journey to the Underworld, to be the Queen of the Underworld, along side her husband Hades. This is the time the land and crops start to diminish, laid low by the sadness that her mother, Demeter goes thru, as she only has her daughter in her life for half of the year.  I sympathize with Demeter.

This is the time of the Wheel to harvest crops, and the love of your family and friends. And the family you have chosen, your brothers and sisters you call family, those who you share the Seasons of the Wheel with. This is the time as a dear Sister said, to look both forward and back at the same time, to draw in our breath, to decide what to leave behind and what to hold dear to us and move forward into the future.    

This is also the time of my counting the years of my marriage to a wonderful man who loves me, accepts me as I am, honours me and who I love with all of my being, unconditionally. Thank you for the years we already have and for the years to come. I love you.  It also is the time of the Wheel that turns for our youngest granddaughter, who grows more lovely, intelligent and funny each turn of her Wheel. Happy Birthday, Boogie Woogie.

This is the time of the Season that leads up to my favorite time; the beginning of the Witches' New Year, when the trees have donned their beautiful colours of orange, red, browns and greens, before they shed them for the nakedness of the winter. The time when they dance their last dance before withdrawing within to rest. The time when the dryads sing their whispering songs accompanied by the Wind.

To my relations and family and friends, I wish you Autumn Blessings  and much love.

And to my majickal family, I love you and  to those who are away in miles but not in my thoughts, I miss you and I wish you all a wonderous Happy Thanksgiving and Blessings for the Second Harvest.     

Monday, September 13, 2010

That's All The News For The Night Folks.....

OK - here's the thing. I watch news stations quite a bit. Here in Canada we have a network - CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Company), that has news all day long on television, as well as the local stations (several) that broadcast their news shows a couple times a day.. Now, being a transplanted American, (I still have US citizenship), as well as being a Permanent Resident of Canada, you would think I would also watch one of the several American networks when their news telecasts come on.  But, I don't need to watch the American news - it is all over our Canadian stations. You may think that I don't see very much news about the US, but you would be wrong. Believe me, our Canadian news casts have plenty of good 'ol American news stories. So much so that I sometimes get very upset about how the American press, as well as the American people react to things that shouldn't be an issue.

The hoopla with the Muslim Community Center (cause, that's what it is folks, NOT a mosque) being built not one, but at least two (2) blocks away from ground zero of the 9/11 terrorist (not religion)  attacks can be attributed to the news media. The telling of Florida Pastor Jones'  idea to burn several (or lots, there are conflicting numbers) of the Qu'ran on 9/11 should never have even be considered to be news worthy - All of this only inflames people; people who are facing severe job losses, severe economic problems, uncertain times in the country, wars that no one understands ( I support the troops, not the people who sent them there, nor the reasons for it) and need a scapegoat - so they use other people as their target. They use other people, religion, thoughts and lifestyles to hate or be in fear of - because they need to, because they are uncertain and have fear about how things are going. They need to vent, and they are venting in the wrong way.
I hear people screaming that the US is a Christian country, that Islam is evil, that "freedom of religion"  means THEIR religion. The media only spreads this uncertainty and hatred and misunderstanding. We don't have quite that problem in Canada, but there is hatred, misunderstanding and uncertainty here as well.  The last time I looked, the US had Christians living there, but there are lots of other religions there too. And lots of different lifestyles and ideas and ways of life. It seems to me that Americans have lost their ability to reach out, embrace diversity, or to even try to understand someone who is different from them. 
I remember when John Kennedy was running for president - and the outrage of some people because he was a Catholic!!  There it is again, using religion to hate someone.
At any rate, I seem to have gotten off my original track - see, this is what watching the news does to me - I get all garbled, my brain starts screaming - whether it be people in the States being stupid over religions they don't want to take the time out to understand or the wrong thinking  of Canadians (especially the government) when it comes to Humans of the First Peoples.   Aaagggrrrhh! 
At any rate, watching the news is NOT good for me - it raises my blood pressure (which is too high anyway) and makes me go off on tirades and rants, which causes my Beloved to retreat! And, as shown here, garbles my brain and my thought processes among other things. Soooo.... I think maybe I should curb my news watching - as I said, that's all the news, folks - I'm not watching anymore.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

OK, Robert is Quickly Slipping Into a Coma.....

So, as I mentioned before, I thought blogging would help me vent and keep my loving Hubby from running madly away...or is that running away madly? At any rate, today is the day (as, you may have noticed, I have not blogged in a month).

 We, after doing our shopping and our lovely walks in the beautiful autumn-like weather, we got involved in programs on the Boob Tube.  One about 2012 and all the implications and theories about what the Mayans meant by not continuing their calendar and what 2012 will bring to the world. Then, a program about the different threats we, as humans, can look forward to - one being technological advances, ending in computerized robots with AI and the possiblity of robots taking over us and what would become of us. Or of the technology disappearing.  Another was all about the changes in weather and climate change, etc. etc. etc......now can you understand Robert's anxiety when I start in on all this stuff?  And the reasons he has learned to tune me out?  LOL

At any rate, speaking of 2012 - no, I DO NOT believe it will be the end of the world or of humankind...I do, however, believe that this world may be greatly changed.....you know, the lining up of everything, including the center of our galaxy (better known as the Milky Way for those of you who don't know) - I think this happening will definately have an effect on our technological devices, therefore, throwing the world into chaos because humankind has become so inextricabally dependent upon it (technology).  I mean, kids don't know how to spell, can't add, subtract, divide, etc., nor do they know how to write letters containing real words (you know, like, Dear Grandma, How are you?, etc.) Nor can they wait to get home to receive a phone call. They don't go outside anymore because the computer or television is too important  to give up.  Hmmm, come to think of it, adults have the very same problems.  Oh, and most people don't think anything about jumping in their cars to go to the store 4 blocks away. I firmly believe we should look more to our gardens, our feet and our ties with other people BEFORE the technologies go away. I also believe we will need to depend on each other (wow, that's a different concept, isn't it?). You know, if I need a shed built to store my tools for my gardening, then I can give you some vegetables if you help me make it.  It's called Bartering, and we actually did  this a while back! Imagine!

And climate/weather change?  It is inevitable, people, it has happened before (where in the heck do you think the glaciers/icebergs, etc. CAME FROM?)  We need to adapt, not create  more changes by "making things to 'take care' of it".  OK, I do concede humans may have speeded it up a bit, but it was gonna happen anyway.

The part on robots cracked me up!  The questions they were putting forth regarding what we, as humans were going to do when we create robots that will think for themselves, therefore try to take over the human race. Should we become Cyborgs so that robots will like us better?  Haha I really found all this quite amusing! For one, if robots become that much advanced with AI, etc., we, as a species wouldn't have to worry - I mean why should they keep us around?  But, ya know, I really don't worry about that, because with 2012 happening and technology being wiped out, it will be quite a long time before we can get back to that point. So that takes care of several problems/scenarios, etc.

Well, I feel like I won't be harming Robert's hearing OR his pyche now...thank the Gods for Blogger!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

If Laura Queen of the Universe ever reads this....

Well, I just re-read my own blog posts. *Sigh*, even tho I used spell check, not only did some words escape the change, but my grammar desperately needs attention! My youngest daughter, author of the blog Laura, Queen of the Universe,  http://lauraqofu.blogspot.com/, is very particular when it comes to spelling and grammar, so hopefully, she will forgive me for my misgivings. So, now that I have recognized this awful trait of mine, I will be a little more careful in proofreading my posts. After all, I always am the one complaining about typos, spellings and horrible grammar in things such as newspapers, things on t.v., etc. Oh, and if you are so inclined, stop by her blog and give it a whirl. She is a wonderful writer, and discusses many, if personal, subjects. And now, because my wonderful husband Robert is starting to just nod and smile at me, I guess I better get to posting my rants more often. Peace

Monday, June 28, 2010

Those Who Don't Have Causes

OK - The G8 and the G20 were hosted this time by Canada. Now, personally, I think they are both a huge waste of time and money as usually nothing gets done. And, if we have to keep these summit meets, why don't they just combine the G8 into the G20? This just seems logical to me. And the expense? Well, most (or a lot ) of people thought spending $Billion on security was simply a waste. Now, admittedly, the biggest farce and embarrassment to Canada was, of course, the Fake Lake, or as someone put it, The Puny Pond. Worth $75,00 dollars (or was it more?) they spent for that is absolutely ridiculous! HOWEVER, the rest of the money spent on security to keep not only the city of Toronto, its visitors and citizens safe turned out to be well spent, it was also necessary. Why? Because of a bunch of thugs, criminals and COWARDS known as the Black Bloc showed up to not only disrupt the summit but to destroy anything they could....to beating up people and destroying buildings, police cars and businesses, but to mar and take away messages of other groups who were legitimately protesting things they felt passionate about. The Black Bloc call themselves protesters and anarchists.....they are so very wrong on both terms! Protesters actually care about something, have feelings about issues and the need for change, as do anarchists. This group of people are simply thugs, bullies and criminals. And COWARDS! Covering their faces, shows me they are thugs and cowards.....they were they not to convey a message, but to create disturbances and hate and fear to turn Toronto into a kind of place that it has never been and hopefully will never be again.....all without showing the world their face. Then, later, they even changed out of their black attire so that they would not be recognized. How cowardly and immature. These people are NOT protesters nor are they anarchists as those groups believe in an ideal, a cause. The Black Bloc do not. And I think they should be forever banned from any type of public display in any city they show up in. Is that not right? Are we taking their human rights away? I don't think they should have any right to destroy, to harm or to create fear. And I salute all the actual protesters who peacefully conveyed their messages and feelings and causes. And not only do I take my hat off in a salute, but I thank all the peace officers and police and security forces that kept Toronto safe in the face of stupidity. Peace



And as I mentioned in my previous post, this has greatly helped my Robert, this blog has. Now, he doesn't have to listen to me go off, nor does he have to pick up my portable soap box after I am done. : - )

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Well, there has been more than one person who told me I should start a blog. I am not sure why, but perhaps it will ease the pain that my husband, Robert, endures almost daily when I go off about something. Over the years, he has allowed me 20 minutes a day to do so.....and he even listened to me once in a while! His usual is to smile and nod his head. Now, I guess I can go off for more than 20 minutes and I don't have to make him endure.....aren't I just the loving, giving wifey?

And, as I have been told by other bloggers that it is therapeutic....and to not worry about if someone is going to read it, that not the point of blogging. And that if someone DOES happen to read it, maybe it might set them to thinking about another view.

So, whatever the results or responses or reasons, I present my blog. Couldn't figure out a name for it tho, so I guess Lou's Log is as good as any....