Rubbing Away the Pain

One of the recent things that Robert has been going through is a constant pain in his back which radiates sometimes all the way to his shoulders, but mostly is located in his lower back, and off to the side. Now, just to get you all up to speed, Robert is NOT a touchy feely kind of guy - even after a lot of physical work, he would refuse back massages (I give pretty darn good massages).  But, very recently he asked me to rub his back; he said it really helped with the pain and made it bearable.  And so I very willingly lightly rub his back when asked.  Which, if under any other circumstances would cause me extreme delight.  Now, I am calm and loving as I rub his back and thankful that I can give him some relief.  It gives me a chance to do something for him.  So, what I like to do is when he is ready for bed, I mute the t.v., turn off the bedroom light, put on the meditation music he mosts enjoys and rub his back, putting forth all the love and healing energies I can while doing so. And I can feel his body relax under my hand; his breathing becomes closer to the breathing of a comfortably sleeping man. All the while I am thinking that I wish this wasn't necesssary because it makes me realize how ill he must really be. All the while I am wishing I wasn't rubbing away  pain....wishing there was no pain to rub away.

Today was a pretty good day. Last night I rubbed his back.  And he  said that he was very warm, in fact, hot- which is quite a switch because I'M the one with the built-in heater...but, his skin was warm to the touch in the area the pain was. So, as the music played, and I rubbed the love into his muscles and body, he slowly relaxed enough to go to sleep.  And when I came to bed, he held me all night, and it was good.

Today we did a lot of talking, as we are prone to do now. We talk about what may be coming, what may happen, what we might do.  We took a couple of walks today, it was really nice weather. FINALLY.  And we shared our thoughts about what each of us were feeling and how we may react down the road.  When confirmation comes.....

Today his back wasn't bothering him too much. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the seconds when he only has bearable pain. 

Today was a good day...time spent together, time being shared. He's sleeping now...I didn't rub his back....but I'm thinking I'm going to start doing that every night, even when his pain is bearable.....because I don't want him to feel ANY pain....and if I can do that by rubbing his back every night, it is something I want to do.

The Universe does what IT wants

Well, I haven't blogged in a while, I had even written down little notes to blog about. But, like it has done so many times, life has thrown me a curve.

I was going to post  about sex offenders being released back into society. The Royal Wedding - with Victoria Beckham in black (although loved her maternity dress) and the fact her husband, David, had worn his medal on the wrong side (for shame, David). Was going to vent (or stand on my portable soap box as Robert calls my rants) about Emperor Stephen (Harper) and all the stupid things he is doing. Not to mention the  idiot politicians in the United States.

But, those seem so very trivial at the moment. Now, besides worry about Laura, Queen of the Universe http://lauraqofu.blogspot.com/  and her midget, my granddaughter,;my eldest, Jenni and her spawn, the family, etc., I get to try and keep myself grounded and wrap my head around the fact that I may lose my beloved husband, Robert.

You see, after a routine physical, then some more test, then more tests, the doctor has scheduled a CT Scan of the abdomen/pelvic area for Robert because they are pretty sure he may have Pancreatic Cancer. The CT scan is just to confirm and see how this dis-ease has progressed. CANCER. A word I have feared and dealt with all my life. I have lost people I love to this. I have been scared shitless numerous times because I have had skin cancer several times. I fear my kids might develop this terrible thing.  And now, here I am, sitting at the computer at 1:30 am - yes, in the morning, looking out my balcony door, looking at Sister Moon shining down at me, trying to make sense of it all. And I can't. 

I can't make sense why things that are bad have happened to my family. And now, the one person I have wanted to spend my  life with, to not be without, may be lost to me some day - a whole lot sooner than I ever wanted. A whole lot sooner  than I thought or planned on. And it won't be sudden. It will be painful for him, physically and emotionally - he is  more worried about me than himself.

So, I will be blogging more often, as days go on. About what is happening with me, Robert and that awful word, Cancer.  His CT Scan is May 26 - but, I am sure I will have lots of words written down here on my blog, Lou's Log. Lots of words. 

And in case you haven't noticed, I love Robert with every ounce of my being, my mind, my heart and my soul. And he loves me, which dear ones, is no great feat. I have grown as a person, a woman, because of that wonderful love of his.....I only hope I have done the same for him.

So, for now, I am going to curl up next to my love, try to get some sleep, perhaps to dream and relive the wonderful full years we have shared.

Flat Irons are for.....

YOUR HAIR! That's on your Head!  Seriously?  Well, you would think everyone would know that, right? Well the joke is on me....or is me, I don't know which! It seems using the flatiron when I don't have my glasses on is hazardous to things on my head; such as ears. Ears?  Yes, ears!  It seems I grabbed a bit of my ear when straightening the side of my hair - now I have have a 1/2 of a square in bright red on my ear. And it hurts!  God, you would think I could do this without injuring myself. LOL, guess not!  But, I used a creame that my wonderful "witchy sister" makes from herbs - and it has not only healed the nasty looking burn wound, but there is no scar, either!  This has worked before - got into a scrap with some winged beings, nasty scratch on my face. Used her herbal creame and viola! Healed with no scar!  I love it!

Anyways, have been quite busy at work, haven't blogged in a while, I have even been taking notes on things I want to write about - economy, stupid people, smart people, governments, causes, etc....so, guess I better get my butt in gear and just do it!

Later, kiddies - but sooner, I hope!  Hugs

I'm still here....

Well, I am still here and in a much better frame of mind. The doctor's appointment  was regarding my blood test - it turns out that my triglycerides and glucose readings are extremely high - triglycerides up to 200 - which is not good - opening the door for Diabetes. And they redid my pap smear - which turned out ok.

So - got on the ball and found lots of info about all this and found a really good site for a low glycemic diet. And it is actually working!  I have lost  several pounds and hopefully the numbers have gone down. - And I eat a whole lot of veggies and fruit - have changed my rice to busmati and have cut out sugars and lots of fat - so hopefully this will work better and maybe I can get off some of these meds.

I have a doc's appointment this morning - my usual 3 month check-in - and hopefully he will schedule a blood test to see how all this is going....

No News Is Good News? Then News Must Be Bad.....

OK, the old saying, "no news is good news" came out of my doctor's mouth when I was going thru my blood tests, my physical, mammagram, my pap smear, colon cancer test (the "poop" test),  etc.  Fine, I'm OK with that because in the last few years, he hasn't called back with test results.  But, about a week after my blood test, the doc's office calls and says Doctor wants me to come in THE NEXT DAY for a blood test for my potassium. Asking why, the wonderful nurse tells me "for  research". That's a new one.....so blood was taken again last week.

This morning at 11:43 CST, I got a call from the doctor's office. Hi, Dr. wants you to come in for a "follow-up" on your blood tests. Can you come in on Monday? (This is Wednesday, by the way). Sure, I say, cheerfully.  After hanging up, the tears came, streaming down my face, no warning, no sobs, no nothing, just a flood of tears.  Then it hit me (or actually, the brain kicked in, full force and like a runaway train):  THIS IS NEWS ABOUT MY BLOOD TESTS. Which, according to the addage, must be BAD NEWS.  So, now, I am sitting here typing away, my chest is so tight I can't get a breath, tears coming sporadically.  And it's ONLY WEDNESDAY!

Now, dear people, I usually have the outlook of Pollyanna, trying to see the silver in the clouds, the rose in the colour of life.....but right now, I find it highly impossible to be reasonable and calm,  logical or rational. All I want to do is call The Daughter (my youngest, Laura, Queen of the Universe, http://lauraqofu.blogspot.com/) RIGHT NOW and tell her, but I don't want to upset her or have her worry for days. I want ROBERT to call me NOW from his break at work. And I am sitting here pushing the minutes on the clock to a time that my Robert will call. And I can't make the clock go faster or make the phone ring. I can sit here and try to breathe instead, I guess. 

So, this is Wednesday, counting today it won't be for another 5 days plus one sleep before I find out what is going on......and yes, it may just be something minor, but it's the No News is Good News thing I can't get over. Right now anyway. I'm scared shitless.......

I Wish I Could Take Away The Pain

If you have read any of my blogs, you would have noticed, Laura, Queen of the Universe, in one or two. This is my youngest daughter - and this is my comment to her blog - you can go see for yourself at http://lauraqofu.blogspot.com/, I think the title is "Fuck Off Diabetes". For those of you who don't want to go to her site, here is the entry:

Fuck Off Diabetes

There will be no funny or witty in this post. I'm warning you now, and I'll likely take it down, but I need to get this out, need to know that someone in the universe is hearing me, and I need to do it in a place the midget can't see it. She doesn't read my blog. It's not allowed, and it's blocked on her computer. I do that so I can say nasty things about her other parents, post not so appropriate pictures of myself and have a corner of the universe that I don't have to censor myself in relation to her.

It's 1:30 in the morning, and we're having the worst diabetes week we've had since diagnosis. Insane blood glucose numbers, ever increasing insulin needs, ketone testing...and the endless blood sugar testing. My daughter is a pin cushion, and I hate myself each time I jam another needle into her skin, when she winces, but doesn't say anything, when it hurts badly enough that she says "Ow, that one hurt," it feels like razors cutting my heart to ribbons.

170 days since diagnosis. 170 days since I leaned against the wall in the hallway outside the emergency room and allowed myself the luxury of five minutes of tears. 170 days since I called the exgirlfriend and the midget's father in the middle of the night and told them to get to the hospital NOW! 170 days since I watched them strap my daughter to a gurney and load her into an ambulance. 170 days since I heard the term "PICU" and realized that's where my daughter was going. 170 days of trying to readjust to normal, and realize that nothing was ever going to be normal again.

170 means at least 700 finger pricks and 700 injections. And that's assuming that every day we only test four times and give four injections. Which never, ever happens. When she runs high, I give corrections, then check again to see if she's come down. When she runs low, I give sugar, then recheck to make sure she's gone back up. Not even six months in and she's had 1500 holes poked into her body.

I'm sitting here at 1:30 in the morning waiting for it to be 2am so that I can test her again, and then lay down and try to sleep, but I know that I will instead spend the rest of the night waking up every thirty minutes to make sure she hasn't gone low in her sleep, because she doesn't wake up when she goes low while sleeping, which could mean...I can't even bring myself to type the word, can't bring myself to use it in conjunction with my beautiful, precious daughter...but it would be bad, very bad.

On the other hand...when she runs high all night like she has all this week, I think about all that sugar in her blood, and the damage it's doing to her body, knowing that it's coating the blood vessels in her heart and her eyes and her kidneys, another layer of damage, bringing her that much closer irreparable harm. It sickens me, makes me physically ill, makes me want to scream and cry.

170 days of wishing that I could take her place for each finger stick and injection. 170 of wishing I could take away her diabetes. 170 of wishing there was a cure...

AND HERE IS MY COMMENT:

What can I say to my youngest daughter who is in constant pain for her daughter? What can I say to my youngest daughter whose life consists of her own physical pain and the pain she experiences for her own daughter? What can I say to her when she asks why, when she suffers so much for her Midget that is her life?  Nothing....nothing I haven't said already, which doesn't take away the Lupus, the Diabetes and the consequences of these horrible devastating diseases.

Laura - don't take this post down...let it stand, as it is - words have power. And even tho you are struggling to understand and overcome all of this, it could be a beacon of light to another mom or dad who is struggling with their pain and their lives with a Type 1 child.  To let them know they are not alone - even tho that doesn't take away all the evil, vile things that this disease is and does, they will know they are not alone.

And to let the world know about what goes on in someone's daily life that has to live with their precious child's pain and suffering as well as their own pain and suffering and confusion and all the emotions that are wrapped up in your life.

All I can say is I love you, Laura.  And Boogie is so loved by her Nana and Papa....and I cry and my heart breaks and hurts because we can't make any of this go away.

Autumnal Equinox- Second Harvest

Second Harvest, the Autumnal Equinox, Witches' Thanksgiving, Harvest Home, Mabon, Equal Day, Demeter and Persephone, Harvest Moon.  All of these things represent this time of year. The start of one of my favorite times of the Wheel.

This is the start of the time that Persephone must begin her journey to the Underworld, to be the Queen of the Underworld, along side her husband Hades. This is the time the land and crops start to diminish, laid low by the sadness that her mother, Demeter goes thru, as she only has her daughter in her life for half of the year.  I sympathize with Demeter.

This is the time of the Wheel to harvest crops, and the love of your family and friends. And the family you have chosen, your brothers and sisters you call family, those who you share the Seasons of the Wheel with. This is the time as a dear Sister said, to look both forward and back at the same time, to draw in our breath, to decide what to leave behind and what to hold dear to us and move forward into the future.    

This is also the time of my counting the years of my marriage to a wonderful man who loves me, accepts me as I am, honours me and who I love with all of my being, unconditionally. Thank you for the years we already have and for the years to come. I love you.  It also is the time of the Wheel that turns for our youngest granddaughter, who grows more lovely, intelligent and funny each turn of her Wheel. Happy Birthday, Boogie Woogie.

This is the time of the Season that leads up to my favorite time; the beginning of the Witches' New Year, when the trees have donned their beautiful colours of orange, red, browns and greens, before they shed them for the nakedness of the winter. The time when they dance their last dance before withdrawing within to rest. The time when the dryads sing their whispering songs accompanied by the Wind.

To my relations and family and friends, I wish you Autumn Blessings  and much love.

And to my majickal family, I love you and  to those who are away in miles but not in my thoughts, I miss you and I wish you all a wonderous Happy Thanksgiving and Blessings for the Second Harvest.