Wednesday, July 18, 2018
Friday, March 7, 2014
Writing the Witchy Way: Big Huge Mega Giveaway for The Witch's Broom
Writing the Witchy Way: Big Huge Mega Giveaway for The Witch's Broom: a Rafflecopter giveaway It's the big one! I'm so excited that THE WITCH'S BROOM is coming out on April 8th--only a month away...
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Witch's Thanksgiving
MABON
Mabon is the 2nd Harvest
Festival....a time when nature declines, and draws back into bounty, getting
ready for Winter and its time of rest. It is also known as Alban Elfed, Harvest
Home, Winter Finding, Autumnal Equinox, Time of Changing Winds. These are days
of divine balance waiting, hanging and being centered and posed before the
energy shifts and wanes.
Mabon is a Celtic/Welsh god often referred to as the Son of Light (hhmmm, I
believe in Christianity sounds like the equivalent of a man named Jesus). Mabon
is the son of the Mother Goddess Modron and is also considered to be the male
counterpart of Persephone. Mabon is a deity for truth and justice, music and
youth......was separated from his mother when he was young. Persephone was
dearly loved by her mother, Demeter, and when she was taken by her destined,
Hades, Demeter lost it. Demeter caused the land to dye and diminish, taking her
sorrow and grief out on the earth and all who lived. Mother Earth draws back
into herself at this turn of the Wheel.
This is the time of reaping of what had been sown in the fields as well as
in our lives. Mother Earth lays over the land a patchwork quilt of rich and
subtle colors. Bronzes, oranges,, dark dark greens fading ,. Mother is getting
ready for the long rest and opens her arms to draw in her children. All are
getting ready for the winter. This is a time for us to ponder what has grown and
what has diminished in our lives.
This is one of my favorite seasons (along with Yule). I love decorating
with pumpkins, scarecrows, witches, and faerys. Browns and oranges and golds and
greens decorate shelves, tables and shrine. The nights are nippy and the days
are cool...but they are filled with the anticipation of the coming winter.
This is the Witches Thanksgiving....have family over for turkey, corn,
cornbread, sweet potatoes.....speaking of corn, it is the mainstay of the
season; corn chowder, roasted corn, corn meal, and so on.
This is the time I do my reflections, and I seem to gather energy to do my
fall cleaning....maybe because of the cooler temperatures. This is also the time
when I am more attuned to the faerys and otherworldly beings....I was born in
October, so maybe that is why I feel more vibrant, alive and in tune than at any
other season.
Whatever you call this time of the wheel, it is a time for drawing in and
for cozying up to each other, for gathering not only sustenance but friends and
family as well.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Goodbye Jack, I Wish I Knew Ye....
Goodbye Jack – I wish I knew Ye
Jack Layton, leader of the National Democratic Party in Canada died Monday, August 22, 2011 at 61 years of age from Cancer. I watched his funeral on television – he was rightfully given a State funeral. I watched, laughed, hummed to the music, and cried. And I learned more about the person who was Jack Layton.
Ever since moving to Canada, I have admired and thought highly of Jack Layton. He seemed sincere, honest and a fundamentally caring person. It turns out I was right.
And after listening to the heartfelt eulogies of Stephen Lewis, Rev. Brent Hawkins and his beloved children, and well as Chief Aleto, I learned even more about this public figure and person who deeply loved his country, its people and values and I am left wishing and hoping people, in and outside of the NDP and politics will see the importance of carrying on the same ideals, policies and general and honest principles of Jack to help make Canada and the Earth itself become an even better place to live.
Yes, I wish I had known Jack Layton, I wish he could have sat with us, maybe for dinner or just around and had been able to discuss, well, just stuff.
My heartfelt sympathies go out to his family and friends. And I wish him a speedy journey to his next adventure wherever that may be. And I wish his family and friends and those who knew him even a little continue to celebrate the life he lived and the person he was.
Jack Layton, leader of the National Democratic Party in Canada died Monday, August 22, 2011 at 61 years of age from Cancer. I watched his funeral on television – he was rightfully given a State funeral. I watched, laughed, hummed to the music, and cried. And I learned more about the person who was Jack Layton.
Ever since moving to Canada, I have admired and thought highly of Jack Layton. He seemed sincere, honest and a fundamentally caring person. It turns out I was right.
And after listening to the heartfelt eulogies of Stephen Lewis, Rev. Brent Hawkins and his beloved children, and well as Chief Aleto, I learned even more about this public figure and person who deeply loved his country, its people and values and I am left wishing and hoping people, in and outside of the NDP and politics will see the importance of carrying on the same ideals, policies and general and honest principles of Jack to help make Canada and the Earth itself become an even better place to live.
Yes, I wish I had known Jack Layton, I wish he could have sat with us, maybe for dinner or just around and had been able to discuss, well, just stuff.
My heartfelt sympathies go out to his family and friends. And I wish him a speedy journey to his next adventure wherever that may be. And I wish his family and friends and those who knew him even a little continue to celebrate the life he lived and the person he was.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
My Self-Induced Guilt
How do you not feel guilt. How do you not feel helpless? How do you not feel angry? And how do you not feel lost on what to do?
All of these feelings hurt in one way or another. And all of them I bring on myself when it comes to helping and/or not being able to help the kids.
Robert and I are by no means wealthy – not even close….like so many others we are an emergency away from the poor house….hell, we probably couldn’t even get in the poor house….it surely would be the streets instead. We work hard for what we have….granted, we do have more than some others, but not as much as a lot of people. We are close to retirement (Ha! I can’t retire until I’m like 70-something, if I am even able to work THAT long!), we don’t have any savings to speak of and we need to look after ourselves first and foremost.
And then there are the daughters. The oldest used to live with us, so she knows our financial situation…which is considerably worse since she had to move to the States and makes as much as Robert and I put together. The youngest has no source of income because she suffers from Lupus and Fibromyalgia and all the ailments and problems that arise when your immune system is compromised. And she is a single mom who is raising her daughter who has Type 1 diabetes. And she often needs financial help. Which we used to be able to do occasionally, but find it very hard to do now. And of course, this hurts us and makes us feel guilty. My daughters have not had the best life….I was not the best mother, but I did what I could do….maybe not my best, but as I said, not too perfect. And I have come to accept that about myself. I have always loved my children. And still do…
So – when we can’t help the kids, or if we get upset and kind of chew at them for something that happened and they turn on the tears….I feel the guilt, the helplessness, lost and angry that it isn’t better for them or us.
But, I do have a loving husband who makes me see that I do what I am capable of for them, granted it may not be enough for them, but I try. And I don’t feel as bad because they are adults and I realize I have to look out for my husband and myself in our old age…
And the Universe knows I love those girls….and our granddaughters…..always have, always will and I hope someday their lives will be better, enriched and easier for them.
And for us.
All of these feelings hurt in one way or another. And all of them I bring on myself when it comes to helping and/or not being able to help the kids.
Robert and I are by no means wealthy – not even close….like so many others we are an emergency away from the poor house….hell, we probably couldn’t even get in the poor house….it surely would be the streets instead. We work hard for what we have….granted, we do have more than some others, but not as much as a lot of people. We are close to retirement (Ha! I can’t retire until I’m like 70-something, if I am even able to work THAT long!), we don’t have any savings to speak of and we need to look after ourselves first and foremost.
And then there are the daughters. The oldest used to live with us, so she knows our financial situation…which is considerably worse since she had to move to the States and makes as much as Robert and I put together. The youngest has no source of income because she suffers from Lupus and Fibromyalgia and all the ailments and problems that arise when your immune system is compromised. And she is a single mom who is raising her daughter who has Type 1 diabetes. And she often needs financial help. Which we used to be able to do occasionally, but find it very hard to do now. And of course, this hurts us and makes us feel guilty. My daughters have not had the best life….I was not the best mother, but I did what I could do….maybe not my best, but as I said, not too perfect. And I have come to accept that about myself. I have always loved my children. And still do…
So – when we can’t help the kids, or if we get upset and kind of chew at them for something that happened and they turn on the tears….I feel the guilt, the helplessness, lost and angry that it isn’t better for them or us.
But, I do have a loving husband who makes me see that I do what I am capable of for them, granted it may not be enough for them, but I try. And I don’t feel as bad because they are adults and I realize I have to look out for my husband and myself in our old age…
And the Universe knows I love those girls….and our granddaughters…..always have, always will and I hope someday their lives will be better, enriched and easier for them.
And for us.
Friday, June 3, 2011
I am not technologically minded
Crap! I just deleted all of the comments that were on my blog! To those of you who commented, thanks and I am sorry I accidentally deleted your words....won't happen again (maybe lol)
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
On Being a Limbo Star....
LIMBO! Not exactly fond of the place. But, Robert and I, (like most members of our families, some who have lived there for quite some time now), have been living there for a short while. THE VOID. Which is just another name for Limbo - but actually describes the feeling of the place. Did I say feeling? Sigh, there IS no feeling in Limbo.....it's DE-void of feeling.
Robert brought this up the other night. He said he felt like there was a big void spot inside him, that there was no feeling breaking the surface. I admitted to him I have felt this way since we were told about the pancreatic cancer and even more so since he had his CT scan. It's waiting for the doctor to call that is so hard to really deal with.....possibly waiting for a death sentence.....and hoping with every ounce of self that the call does not come.....that Robert will simply got to his scheduled appointment June 7 and that the doc will tell him yes, there is something wrong, but that they can do something that doesn't involve removing half his insides.....and that we can go on with our life together, growing old together like we want.
This is a place I do not like....this place of blankness, of feeling like something is off, a feeling of nothingness. I do not like this Limbo, this void. And I know Robert is even more embedded in that void right now and I know it is for self preservation, and I know he doesn't like that feeling either.
I want to leave this empty place. And I want to leave quickly...and I want to leave knowing that Robert will be ok, that the two of us will get thru this together and have those years we want together.....
But, we won't leave yet, we won't abandon the Void, the blank emptiness. We won't leave Limbo yet, because all the emptiness, the blank nothingness is also our cocoon, our defense against the FEAR.
Robert brought this up the other night. He said he felt like there was a big void spot inside him, that there was no feeling breaking the surface. I admitted to him I have felt this way since we were told about the pancreatic cancer and even more so since he had his CT scan. It's waiting for the doctor to call that is so hard to really deal with.....possibly waiting for a death sentence.....and hoping with every ounce of self that the call does not come.....that Robert will simply got to his scheduled appointment June 7 and that the doc will tell him yes, there is something wrong, but that they can do something that doesn't involve removing half his insides.....and that we can go on with our life together, growing old together like we want.
This is a place I do not like....this place of blankness, of feeling like something is off, a feeling of nothingness. I do not like this Limbo, this void. And I know Robert is even more embedded in that void right now and I know it is for self preservation, and I know he doesn't like that feeling either.
I want to leave this empty place. And I want to leave quickly...and I want to leave knowing that Robert will be ok, that the two of us will get thru this together and have those years we want together.....
But, we won't leave yet, we won't abandon the Void, the blank emptiness. We won't leave Limbo yet, because all the emptiness, the blank nothingness is also our cocoon, our defense against the FEAR.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Rubbing Away the Pain
One of the recent things that Robert has been going through is a constant pain in his back which radiates sometimes all the way to his shoulders, but mostly is located in his lower back, and off to the side. Now, just to get you all up to speed, Robert is NOT a touchy feely kind of guy - even after a lot of physical work, he would refuse back massages (I give pretty darn good massages). But, very recently he asked me to rub his back; he said it really helped with the pain and made it bearable. And so I very willingly lightly rub his back when asked. Which, if under any other circumstances would cause me extreme delight. Now, I am calm and loving as I rub his back and thankful that I can give him some relief. It gives me a chance to do something for him. So, what I like to do is when he is ready for bed, I mute the t.v., turn off the bedroom light, put on the meditation music he mosts enjoys and rub his back, putting forth all the love and healing energies I can while doing so. And I can feel his body relax under my hand; his breathing becomes closer to the breathing of a comfortably sleeping man. All the while I am thinking that I wish this wasn't necesssary because it makes me realize how ill he must really be. All the while I am wishing I wasn't rubbing away pain....wishing there was no pain to rub away.
Today was a pretty good day. Last night I rubbed his back. And he said that he was very warm, in fact, hot- which is quite a switch because I'M the one with the built-in heater...but, his skin was warm to the touch in the area the pain was. So, as the music played, and I rubbed the love into his muscles and body, he slowly relaxed enough to go to sleep. And when I came to bed, he held me all night, and it was good.
Today we did a lot of talking, as we are prone to do now. We talk about what may be coming, what may happen, what we might do. We took a couple of walks today, it was really nice weather. FINALLY. And we shared our thoughts about what each of us were feeling and how we may react down the road. When confirmation comes.....
Today his back wasn't bothering him too much. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the seconds when he only has bearable pain.
Today was a good day...time spent together, time being shared. He's sleeping now...I didn't rub his back....but I'm thinking I'm going to start doing that every night, even when his pain is bearable.....because I don't want him to feel ANY pain....and if I can do that by rubbing his back every night, it is something I want to do.
Today was a pretty good day. Last night I rubbed his back. And he said that he was very warm, in fact, hot- which is quite a switch because I'M the one with the built-in heater...but, his skin was warm to the touch in the area the pain was. So, as the music played, and I rubbed the love into his muscles and body, he slowly relaxed enough to go to sleep. And when I came to bed, he held me all night, and it was good.
Today we did a lot of talking, as we are prone to do now. We talk about what may be coming, what may happen, what we might do. We took a couple of walks today, it was really nice weather. FINALLY. And we shared our thoughts about what each of us were feeling and how we may react down the road. When confirmation comes.....
Today his back wasn't bothering him too much. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the seconds when he only has bearable pain.
Today was a good day...time spent together, time being shared. He's sleeping now...I didn't rub his back....but I'm thinking I'm going to start doing that every night, even when his pain is bearable.....because I don't want him to feel ANY pain....and if I can do that by rubbing his back every night, it is something I want to do.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The Universe does what IT wants
Well, I haven't blogged in a while, I had even written down little notes to blog about. But, like it has done so many times, life has thrown me a curve.
I was going to post about sex offenders being released back into society. The Royal Wedding - with Victoria Beckham in black (although loved her maternity dress) and the fact her husband, David, had worn his medal on the wrong side (for shame, David). Was going to vent (or stand on my portable soap box as Robert calls my rants) about Emperor Stephen (Harper) and all the stupid things he is doing. Not to mention the idiot politicians in the United States.
But, those seem so very trivial at the moment. Now, besides worry about Laura, Queen of the Universe http://lauraqofu.blogspot.com/ and her midget, my granddaughter,;my eldest, Jenni and her spawn, the family, etc., I get to try and keep myself grounded and wrap my head around the fact that I may lose my beloved husband, Robert.
You see, after a routine physical, then some more test, then more tests, the doctor has scheduled a CT Scan of the abdomen/pelvic area for Robert because they are pretty sure he may have Pancreatic Cancer. The CT scan is just to confirm and see how this dis-ease has progressed. CANCER. A word I have feared and dealt with all my life. I have lost people I love to this. I have been scared shitless numerous times because I have had skin cancer several times. I fear my kids might develop this terrible thing. And now, here I am, sitting at the computer at 1:30 am - yes, in the morning, looking out my balcony door, looking at Sister Moon shining down at me, trying to make sense of it all. And I can't.
I can't make sense why things that are bad have happened to my family. And now, the one person I have wanted to spend my life with, to not be without, may be lost to me some day - a whole lot sooner than I ever wanted. A whole lot sooner than I thought or planned on. And it won't be sudden. It will be painful for him, physically and emotionally - he is more worried about me than himself.
So, I will be blogging more often, as days go on. About what is happening with me, Robert and that awful word, Cancer. His CT Scan is May 26 - but, I am sure I will have lots of words written down here on my blog, Lou's Log. Lots of words.
And in case you haven't noticed, I love Robert with every ounce of my being, my mind, my heart and my soul. And he loves me, which dear ones, is no great feat. I have grown as a person, a woman, because of that wonderful love of his.....I only hope I have done the same for him.
So, for now, I am going to curl up next to my love, try to get some sleep, perhaps to dream and relive the wonderful full years we have shared.
I was going to post about sex offenders being released back into society. The Royal Wedding - with Victoria Beckham in black (although loved her maternity dress) and the fact her husband, David, had worn his medal on the wrong side (for shame, David). Was going to vent (or stand on my portable soap box as Robert calls my rants) about Emperor Stephen (Harper) and all the stupid things he is doing. Not to mention the idiot politicians in the United States.
But, those seem so very trivial at the moment. Now, besides worry about Laura, Queen of the Universe http://lauraqofu.blogspot.com/ and her midget, my granddaughter,;my eldest, Jenni and her spawn, the family, etc., I get to try and keep myself grounded and wrap my head around the fact that I may lose my beloved husband, Robert.
You see, after a routine physical, then some more test, then more tests, the doctor has scheduled a CT Scan of the abdomen/pelvic area for Robert because they are pretty sure he may have Pancreatic Cancer. The CT scan is just to confirm and see how this dis-ease has progressed. CANCER. A word I have feared and dealt with all my life. I have lost people I love to this. I have been scared shitless numerous times because I have had skin cancer several times. I fear my kids might develop this terrible thing. And now, here I am, sitting at the computer at 1:30 am - yes, in the morning, looking out my balcony door, looking at Sister Moon shining down at me, trying to make sense of it all. And I can't.
I can't make sense why things that are bad have happened to my family. And now, the one person I have wanted to spend my life with, to not be without, may be lost to me some day - a whole lot sooner than I ever wanted. A whole lot sooner than I thought or planned on. And it won't be sudden. It will be painful for him, physically and emotionally - he is more worried about me than himself.
So, I will be blogging more often, as days go on. About what is happening with me, Robert and that awful word, Cancer. His CT Scan is May 26 - but, I am sure I will have lots of words written down here on my blog, Lou's Log. Lots of words.
And in case you haven't noticed, I love Robert with every ounce of my being, my mind, my heart and my soul. And he loves me, which dear ones, is no great feat. I have grown as a person, a woman, because of that wonderful love of his.....I only hope I have done the same for him.
So, for now, I am going to curl up next to my love, try to get some sleep, perhaps to dream and relive the wonderful full years we have shared.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Flat Irons are for.....
YOUR HAIR! That's on your Head! Seriously? Well, you would think everyone would know that, right? Well the joke is on me....or is me, I don't know which! It seems using the flatiron when I don't have my glasses on is hazardous to things on my head; such as ears. Ears? Yes, ears! It seems I grabbed a bit of my ear when straightening the side of my hair - now I have have a 1/2 of a square in bright red on my ear. And it hurts! God, you would think I could do this without injuring myself. LOL, guess not! But, I used a creame that my wonderful "witchy sister" makes from herbs - and it has not only healed the nasty looking burn wound, but there is no scar, either! This has worked before - got into a scrap with some winged beings, nasty scratch on my face. Used her herbal creame and viola! Healed with no scar! I love it!
Anyways, have been quite busy at work, haven't blogged in a while, I have even been taking notes on things I want to write about - economy, stupid people, smart people, governments, causes, etc....so, guess I better get my butt in gear and just do it!
Later, kiddies - but sooner, I hope! Hugs
Anyways, have been quite busy at work, haven't blogged in a while, I have even been taking notes on things I want to write about - economy, stupid people, smart people, governments, causes, etc....so, guess I better get my butt in gear and just do it!
Later, kiddies - but sooner, I hope! Hugs
Monday, January 10, 2011
I'm still here....
Well, I am still here and in a much better frame of mind. The doctor's appointment was regarding my blood test - it turns out that my triglycerides and glucose readings are extremely high - triglycerides up to 200 - which is not good - opening the door for Diabetes. And they redid my pap smear - which turned out ok.
So - got on the ball and found lots of info about all this and found a really good site for a low glycemic diet. And it is actually working! I have lost several pounds and hopefully the numbers have gone down. - And I eat a whole lot of veggies and fruit - have changed my rice to busmati and have cut out sugars and lots of fat - so hopefully this will work better and maybe I can get off some of these meds.
I have a doc's appointment this morning - my usual 3 month check-in - and hopefully he will schedule a blood test to see how all this is going....
So - got on the ball and found lots of info about all this and found a really good site for a low glycemic diet. And it is actually working! I have lost several pounds and hopefully the numbers have gone down. - And I eat a whole lot of veggies and fruit - have changed my rice to busmati and have cut out sugars and lots of fat - so hopefully this will work better and maybe I can get off some of these meds.
I have a doc's appointment this morning - my usual 3 month check-in - and hopefully he will schedule a blood test to see how all this is going....
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
No News Is Good News? Then News Must Be Bad.....
OK, the old saying, "no news is good news" came out of my doctor's mouth when I was going thru my blood tests, my physical, mammagram, my pap smear, colon cancer test (the "poop" test), etc. Fine, I'm OK with that because in the last few years, he hasn't called back with test results. But, about a week after my blood test, the doc's office calls and says Doctor wants me to come in THE NEXT DAY for a blood test for my potassium. Asking why, the wonderful nurse tells me "for research". That's a new one.....so blood was taken again last week.
This morning at 11:43 CST, I got a call from the doctor's office. Hi, Dr. wants you to come in for a "follow-up" on your blood tests. Can you come in on Monday? (This is Wednesday, by the way). Sure, I say, cheerfully. After hanging up, the tears came, streaming down my face, no warning, no sobs, no nothing, just a flood of tears. Then it hit me (or actually, the brain kicked in, full force and like a runaway train): THIS IS NEWS ABOUT MY BLOOD TESTS. Which, according to the addage, must be BAD NEWS. So, now, I am sitting here typing away, my chest is so tight I can't get a breath, tears coming sporadically. And it's ONLY WEDNESDAY!
Now, dear people, I usually have the outlook of Pollyanna, trying to see the silver in the clouds, the rose in the colour of life.....but right now, I find it highly impossible to be reasonable and calm, logical or rational. All I want to do is call The Daughter (my youngest, Laura, Queen of the Universe, http://lauraqofu.blogspot.com/) RIGHT NOW and tell her, but I don't want to upset her or have her worry for days. I want ROBERT to call me NOW from his break at work. And I am sitting here pushing the minutes on the clock to a time that my Robert will call. And I can't make the clock go faster or make the phone ring. I can sit here and try to breathe instead, I guess.
So, this is Wednesday, counting today it won't be for another 5 days plus one sleep before I find out what is going on......and yes, it may just be something minor, but it's the No News is Good News thing I can't get over. Right now anyway. I'm scared shitless.......
This morning at 11:43 CST, I got a call from the doctor's office. Hi, Dr. wants you to come in for a "follow-up" on your blood tests. Can you come in on Monday? (This is Wednesday, by the way). Sure, I say, cheerfully. After hanging up, the tears came, streaming down my face, no warning, no sobs, no nothing, just a flood of tears. Then it hit me (or actually, the brain kicked in, full force and like a runaway train): THIS IS NEWS ABOUT MY BLOOD TESTS. Which, according to the addage, must be BAD NEWS. So, now, I am sitting here typing away, my chest is so tight I can't get a breath, tears coming sporadically. And it's ONLY WEDNESDAY!
Now, dear people, I usually have the outlook of Pollyanna, trying to see the silver in the clouds, the rose in the colour of life.....but right now, I find it highly impossible to be reasonable and calm, logical or rational. All I want to do is call The Daughter (my youngest, Laura, Queen of the Universe, http://lauraqofu.blogspot.com/) RIGHT NOW and tell her, but I don't want to upset her or have her worry for days. I want ROBERT to call me NOW from his break at work. And I am sitting here pushing the minutes on the clock to a time that my Robert will call. And I can't make the clock go faster or make the phone ring. I can sit here and try to breathe instead, I guess.
So, this is Wednesday, counting today it won't be for another 5 days plus one sleep before I find out what is going on......and yes, it may just be something minor, but it's the No News is Good News thing I can't get over. Right now anyway. I'm scared shitless.......
Sunday, October 17, 2010
I Wish I Could Take Away The Pain
If you have read any of my blogs, you would have noticed, Laura, Queen of the Universe, in one or two. This is my youngest daughter - and this is my comment to her blog - you can go see for yourself at http://lauraqofu.blogspot.com/, I think the title is "Fuck Off Diabetes". For those of you who don't want to go to her site, here is the entry:
Fuck Off Diabetes
Fuck Off Diabetes
There will be no funny or witty in this post. I'm warning you now, and I'll likely take it down, but I need to get this out, need to know that someone in the universe is hearing me, and I need to do it in a place the midget can't see it. She doesn't read my blog. It's not allowed, and it's blocked on her computer. I do that so I can say nasty things about her other parents, post not so appropriate pictures of myself and have a corner of the universe that I don't have to censor myself in relation to her.
It's 1:30 in the morning, and we're having the worst diabetes week we've had since diagnosis. Insane blood glucose numbers, ever increasing insulin needs, ketone testing...and the endless blood sugar testing. My daughter is a pin cushion, and I hate myself each time I jam another needle into her skin, when she winces, but doesn't say anything, when it hurts badly enough that she says "Ow, that one hurt," it feels like razors cutting my heart to ribbons.
170 days since diagnosis. 170 days since I leaned against the wall in the hallway outside the emergency room and allowed myself the luxury of five minutes of tears. 170 days since I called the exgirlfriend and the midget's father in the middle of the night and told them to get to the hospital NOW! 170 days since I watched them strap my daughter to a gurney and load her into an ambulance. 170 days since I heard the term "PICU" and realized that's where my daughter was going. 170 days of trying to readjust to normal, and realize that nothing was ever going to be normal again.
170 means at least 700 finger pricks and 700 injections. And that's assuming that every day we only test four times and give four injections. Which never, ever happens. When she runs high, I give corrections, then check again to see if she's come down. When she runs low, I give sugar, then recheck to make sure she's gone back up. Not even six months in and she's had 1500 holes poked into her body.
I'm sitting here at 1:30 in the morning waiting for it to be 2am so that I can test her again, and then lay down and try to sleep, but I know that I will instead spend the rest of the night waking up every thirty minutes to make sure she hasn't gone low in her sleep, because she doesn't wake up when she goes low while sleeping, which could mean...I can't even bring myself to type the word, can't bring myself to use it in conjunction with my beautiful, precious daughter...but it would be bad, very bad.
On the other hand...when she runs high all night like she has all this week, I think about all that sugar in her blood, and the damage it's doing to her body, knowing that it's coating the blood vessels in her heart and her eyes and her kidneys, another layer of damage, bringing her that much closer irreparable harm. It sickens me, makes me physically ill, makes me want to scream and cry.
170 days of wishing that I could take her place for each finger stick and injection. 170 of wishing I could take away her diabetes. 170 of wishing there was a cure...
It's 1:30 in the morning, and we're having the worst diabetes week we've had since diagnosis. Insane blood glucose numbers, ever increasing insulin needs, ketone testing...and the endless blood sugar testing. My daughter is a pin cushion, and I hate myself each time I jam another needle into her skin, when she winces, but doesn't say anything, when it hurts badly enough that she says "Ow, that one hurt," it feels like razors cutting my heart to ribbons.
170 days since diagnosis. 170 days since I leaned against the wall in the hallway outside the emergency room and allowed myself the luxury of five minutes of tears. 170 days since I called the exgirlfriend and the midget's father in the middle of the night and told them to get to the hospital NOW! 170 days since I watched them strap my daughter to a gurney and load her into an ambulance. 170 days since I heard the term "PICU" and realized that's where my daughter was going. 170 days of trying to readjust to normal, and realize that nothing was ever going to be normal again.
170 means at least 700 finger pricks and 700 injections. And that's assuming that every day we only test four times and give four injections. Which never, ever happens. When she runs high, I give corrections, then check again to see if she's come down. When she runs low, I give sugar, then recheck to make sure she's gone back up. Not even six months in and she's had 1500 holes poked into her body.
I'm sitting here at 1:30 in the morning waiting for it to be 2am so that I can test her again, and then lay down and try to sleep, but I know that I will instead spend the rest of the night waking up every thirty minutes to make sure she hasn't gone low in her sleep, because she doesn't wake up when she goes low while sleeping, which could mean...I can't even bring myself to type the word, can't bring myself to use it in conjunction with my beautiful, precious daughter...but it would be bad, very bad.
On the other hand...when she runs high all night like she has all this week, I think about all that sugar in her blood, and the damage it's doing to her body, knowing that it's coating the blood vessels in her heart and her eyes and her kidneys, another layer of damage, bringing her that much closer irreparable harm. It sickens me, makes me physically ill, makes me want to scream and cry.
170 days of wishing that I could take her place for each finger stick and injection. 170 of wishing I could take away her diabetes. 170 of wishing there was a cure...
AND HERE IS MY COMMENT:
What can I say to my youngest daughter who is in constant pain for her daughter? What can I say to my youngest daughter whose life consists of her own physical pain and the pain she experiences for her own daughter? What can I say to her when she asks why, when she suffers so much for her Midget that is her life? Nothing....nothing I haven't said already, which doesn't take away the Lupus, the Diabetes and the consequences of these horrible devastating diseases.
Laura - don't take this post down...let it stand, as it is - words have power. And even tho you are struggling to understand and overcome all of this, it could be a beacon of light to another mom or dad who is struggling with their pain and their lives with a Type 1 child. To let them know they are not alone - even tho that doesn't take away all the evil, vile things that this disease is and does, they will know they are not alone.
And to let the world know about what goes on in someone's daily life that has to live with their precious child's pain and suffering as well as their own pain and suffering and confusion and all the emotions that are wrapped up in your life.
All I can say is I love you, Laura. And Boogie is so loved by her Nana and Papa....and I cry and my heart breaks and hurts because we can't make any of this go away.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Autumnal Equinox- Second Harvest
Second Harvest, the Autumnal Equinox, Witches' Thanksgiving, Harvest Home, Mabon, Equal Day, Demeter and Persephone, Harvest Moon. All of these things represent this time of year. The start of one of my favorite times of the Wheel.
This is the start of the time that Persephone must begin her journey to the Underworld, to be the Queen of the Underworld, along side her husband Hades. This is the time the land and crops start to diminish, laid low by the sadness that her mother, Demeter goes thru, as she only has her daughter in her life for half of the year. I sympathize with Demeter.
This is the time of the Wheel to harvest crops, and the love of your family and friends. And the family you have chosen, your brothers and sisters you call family, those who you share the Seasons of the Wheel with. This is the time as a dear Sister said, to look both forward and back at the same time, to draw in our breath, to decide what to leave behind and what to hold dear to us and move forward into the future.
This is also the time of my counting the years of my marriage to a wonderful man who loves me, accepts me as I am, honours me and who I love with all of my being, unconditionally. Thank you for the years we already have and for the years to come. I love you. It also is the time of the Wheel that turns for our youngest granddaughter, who grows more lovely, intelligent and funny each turn of her Wheel. Happy Birthday, Boogie Woogie.
This is the time of the Season that leads up to my favorite time; the beginning of the Witches' New Year, when the trees have donned their beautiful colours of orange, red, browns and greens, before they shed them for the nakedness of the winter. The time when they dance their last dance before withdrawing within to rest. The time when the dryads sing their whispering songs accompanied by the Wind.
To my relations and family and friends, I wish you Autumn Blessings and much love.
And to my majickal family, I love you and to those who are away in miles but not in my thoughts, I miss you and I wish you all a wonderous Happy Thanksgiving and Blessings for the Second Harvest.
This is the start of the time that Persephone must begin her journey to the Underworld, to be the Queen of the Underworld, along side her husband Hades. This is the time the land and crops start to diminish, laid low by the sadness that her mother, Demeter goes thru, as she only has her daughter in her life for half of the year. I sympathize with Demeter.
This is the time of the Wheel to harvest crops, and the love of your family and friends. And the family you have chosen, your brothers and sisters you call family, those who you share the Seasons of the Wheel with. This is the time as a dear Sister said, to look both forward and back at the same time, to draw in our breath, to decide what to leave behind and what to hold dear to us and move forward into the future.
This is also the time of my counting the years of my marriage to a wonderful man who loves me, accepts me as I am, honours me and who I love with all of my being, unconditionally. Thank you for the years we already have and for the years to come. I love you. It also is the time of the Wheel that turns for our youngest granddaughter, who grows more lovely, intelligent and funny each turn of her Wheel. Happy Birthday, Boogie Woogie.
This is the time of the Season that leads up to my favorite time; the beginning of the Witches' New Year, when the trees have donned their beautiful colours of orange, red, browns and greens, before they shed them for the nakedness of the winter. The time when they dance their last dance before withdrawing within to rest. The time when the dryads sing their whispering songs accompanied by the Wind.
To my relations and family and friends, I wish you Autumn Blessings and much love.
And to my majickal family, I love you and to those who are away in miles but not in my thoughts, I miss you and I wish you all a wonderous Happy Thanksgiving and Blessings for the Second Harvest.
Monday, September 13, 2010
That's All The News For The Night Folks.....
OK - here's the thing. I watch news stations quite a bit. Here in Canada we have a network - CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Company), that has news all day long on television, as well as the local stations (several) that broadcast their news shows a couple times a day.. Now, being a transplanted American, (I still have US citizenship), as well as being a Permanent Resident of Canada, you would think I would also watch one of the several American networks when their news telecasts come on. But, I don't need to watch the American news - it is all over our Canadian stations. You may think that I don't see very much news about the US, but you would be wrong. Believe me, our Canadian news casts have plenty of good 'ol American news stories. So much so that I sometimes get very upset about how the American press, as well as the American people react to things that shouldn't be an issue.
The hoopla with the Muslim Community Center (cause, that's what it is folks, NOT a mosque) being built not one, but at least two (2) blocks away from ground zero of the 9/11 terrorist (not religion) attacks can be attributed to the news media. The telling of Florida Pastor Jones' idea to burn several (or lots, there are conflicting numbers) of the Qu'ran on 9/11 should never have even be considered to be news worthy - All of this only inflames people; people who are facing severe job losses, severe economic problems, uncertain times in the country, wars that no one understands ( I support the troops, not the people who sent them there, nor the reasons for it) and need a scapegoat - so they use other people as their target. They use other people, religion, thoughts and lifestyles to hate or be in fear of - because they need to, because they are uncertain and have fear about how things are going. They need to vent, and they are venting in the wrong way.
I hear people screaming that the US is a Christian country, that Islam is evil, that "freedom of religion" means THEIR religion. The media only spreads this uncertainty and hatred and misunderstanding. We don't have quite that problem in Canada, but there is hatred, misunderstanding and uncertainty here as well. The last time I looked, the US had Christians living there, but there are lots of other religions there too. And lots of different lifestyles and ideas and ways of life. It seems to me that Americans have lost their ability to reach out, embrace diversity, or to even try to understand someone who is different from them.
I remember when John Kennedy was running for president - and the outrage of some people because he was a Catholic!! There it is again, using religion to hate someone.
At any rate, I seem to have gotten off my original track - see, this is what watching the news does to me - I get all garbled, my brain starts screaming - whether it be people in the States being stupid over religions they don't want to take the time out to understand or the wrong thinking of Canadians (especially the government) when it comes to Humans of the First Peoples. Aaagggrrrhh!
At any rate, watching the news is NOT good for me - it raises my blood pressure (which is too high anyway) and makes me go off on tirades and rants, which causes my Beloved to retreat! And, as shown here, garbles my brain and my thought processes among other things. Soooo.... I think maybe I should curb my news watching - as I said, that's all the news, folks - I'm not watching anymore.
The hoopla with the Muslim Community Center (cause, that's what it is folks, NOT a mosque) being built not one, but at least two (2) blocks away from ground zero of the 9/11 terrorist (not religion) attacks can be attributed to the news media. The telling of Florida Pastor Jones' idea to burn several (or lots, there are conflicting numbers) of the Qu'ran on 9/11 should never have even be considered to be news worthy - All of this only inflames people; people who are facing severe job losses, severe economic problems, uncertain times in the country, wars that no one understands ( I support the troops, not the people who sent them there, nor the reasons for it) and need a scapegoat - so they use other people as their target. They use other people, religion, thoughts and lifestyles to hate or be in fear of - because they need to, because they are uncertain and have fear about how things are going. They need to vent, and they are venting in the wrong way.
I hear people screaming that the US is a Christian country, that Islam is evil, that "freedom of religion" means THEIR religion. The media only spreads this uncertainty and hatred and misunderstanding. We don't have quite that problem in Canada, but there is hatred, misunderstanding and uncertainty here as well. The last time I looked, the US had Christians living there, but there are lots of other religions there too. And lots of different lifestyles and ideas and ways of life. It seems to me that Americans have lost their ability to reach out, embrace diversity, or to even try to understand someone who is different from them.
I remember when John Kennedy was running for president - and the outrage of some people because he was a Catholic!! There it is again, using religion to hate someone.
At any rate, I seem to have gotten off my original track - see, this is what watching the news does to me - I get all garbled, my brain starts screaming - whether it be people in the States being stupid over religions they don't want to take the time out to understand or the wrong thinking of Canadians (especially the government) when it comes to Humans of the First Peoples. Aaagggrrrhh!
At any rate, watching the news is NOT good for me - it raises my blood pressure (which is too high anyway) and makes me go off on tirades and rants, which causes my Beloved to retreat! And, as shown here, garbles my brain and my thought processes among other things. Soooo.... I think maybe I should curb my news watching - as I said, that's all the news, folks - I'm not watching anymore.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
OK, Robert is Quickly Slipping Into a Coma.....
So, as I mentioned before, I thought blogging would help me vent and keep my loving Hubby from running madly away...or is that running away madly? At any rate, today is the day (as, you may have noticed, I have not blogged in a month).
We, after doing our shopping and our lovely walks in the beautiful autumn-like weather, we got involved in programs on the Boob Tube. One about 2012 and all the implications and theories about what the Mayans meant by not continuing their calendar and what 2012 will bring to the world. Then, a program about the different threats we, as humans, can look forward to - one being technological advances, ending in computerized robots with AI and the possiblity of robots taking over us and what would become of us. Or of the technology disappearing. Another was all about the changes in weather and climate change, etc. etc. etc......now can you understand Robert's anxiety when I start in on all this stuff? And the reasons he has learned to tune me out? LOL
At any rate, speaking of 2012 - no, I DO NOT believe it will be the end of the world or of humankind...I do, however, believe that this world may be greatly changed.....you know, the lining up of everything, including the center of our galaxy (better known as the Milky Way for those of you who don't know) - I think this happening will definately have an effect on our technological devices, therefore, throwing the world into chaos because humankind has become so inextricabally dependent upon it (technology). I mean, kids don't know how to spell, can't add, subtract, divide, etc., nor do they know how to write letters containing real words (you know, like, Dear Grandma, How are you?, etc.) Nor can they wait to get home to receive a phone call. They don't go outside anymore because the computer or television is too important to give up. Hmmm, come to think of it, adults have the very same problems. Oh, and most people don't think anything about jumping in their cars to go to the store 4 blocks away. I firmly believe we should look more to our gardens, our feet and our ties with other people BEFORE the technologies go away. I also believe we will need to depend on each other (wow, that's a different concept, isn't it?). You know, if I need a shed built to store my tools for my gardening, then I can give you some vegetables if you help me make it. It's called Bartering, and we actually did this a while back! Imagine!
And climate/weather change? It is inevitable, people, it has happened before (where in the heck do you think the glaciers/icebergs, etc. CAME FROM?) We need to adapt, not create more changes by "making things to 'take care' of it". OK, I do concede humans may have speeded it up a bit, but it was gonna happen anyway.
The part on robots cracked me up! The questions they were putting forth regarding what we, as humans were going to do when we create robots that will think for themselves, therefore try to take over the human race. Should we become Cyborgs so that robots will like us better? Haha I really found all this quite amusing! For one, if robots become that much advanced with AI, etc., we, as a species wouldn't have to worry - I mean why should they keep us around? But, ya know, I really don't worry about that, because with 2012 happening and technology being wiped out, it will be quite a long time before we can get back to that point. So that takes care of several problems/scenarios, etc.
Well, I feel like I won't be harming Robert's hearing OR his pyche now...thank the Gods for Blogger!
We, after doing our shopping and our lovely walks in the beautiful autumn-like weather, we got involved in programs on the Boob Tube. One about 2012 and all the implications and theories about what the Mayans meant by not continuing their calendar and what 2012 will bring to the world. Then, a program about the different threats we, as humans, can look forward to - one being technological advances, ending in computerized robots with AI and the possiblity of robots taking over us and what would become of us. Or of the technology disappearing. Another was all about the changes in weather and climate change, etc. etc. etc......now can you understand Robert's anxiety when I start in on all this stuff? And the reasons he has learned to tune me out? LOL
At any rate, speaking of 2012 - no, I DO NOT believe it will be the end of the world or of humankind...I do, however, believe that this world may be greatly changed.....you know, the lining up of everything, including the center of our galaxy (better known as the Milky Way for those of you who don't know) - I think this happening will definately have an effect on our technological devices, therefore, throwing the world into chaos because humankind has become so inextricabally dependent upon it (technology). I mean, kids don't know how to spell, can't add, subtract, divide, etc., nor do they know how to write letters containing real words (you know, like, Dear Grandma, How are you?, etc.) Nor can they wait to get home to receive a phone call. They don't go outside anymore because the computer or television is too important to give up. Hmmm, come to think of it, adults have the very same problems. Oh, and most people don't think anything about jumping in their cars to go to the store 4 blocks away. I firmly believe we should look more to our gardens, our feet and our ties with other people BEFORE the technologies go away. I also believe we will need to depend on each other (wow, that's a different concept, isn't it?). You know, if I need a shed built to store my tools for my gardening, then I can give you some vegetables if you help me make it. It's called Bartering, and we actually did this a while back! Imagine!
And climate/weather change? It is inevitable, people, it has happened before (where in the heck do you think the glaciers/icebergs, etc. CAME FROM?) We need to adapt, not create more changes by "making things to 'take care' of it". OK, I do concede humans may have speeded it up a bit, but it was gonna happen anyway.
The part on robots cracked me up! The questions they were putting forth regarding what we, as humans were going to do when we create robots that will think for themselves, therefore try to take over the human race. Should we become Cyborgs so that robots will like us better? Haha I really found all this quite amusing! For one, if robots become that much advanced with AI, etc., we, as a species wouldn't have to worry - I mean why should they keep us around? But, ya know, I really don't worry about that, because with 2012 happening and technology being wiped out, it will be quite a long time before we can get back to that point. So that takes care of several problems/scenarios, etc.
Well, I feel like I won't be harming Robert's hearing OR his pyche now...thank the Gods for Blogger!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
If Laura Queen of the Universe ever reads this....
Well, I just re-read my own blog posts. *Sigh*, even tho I used spell check, not only did some words escape the change, but my grammar desperately needs attention! My youngest daughter, author of the blog Laura, Queen of the Universe, http://lauraqofu.blogspot.com/, is very particular when it comes to spelling and grammar, so hopefully, she will forgive me for my misgivings. So, now that I have recognized this awful trait of mine, I will be a little more careful in proofreading my posts. After all, I always am the one complaining about typos, spellings and horrible grammar in things such as newspapers, things on t.v., etc. Oh, and if you are so inclined, stop by her blog and give it a whirl. She is a wonderful writer, and discusses many, if personal, subjects. And now, because my wonderful husband Robert is starting to just nod and smile at me, I guess I better get to posting my rants more often. Peace
Monday, June 28, 2010
Those Who Don't Have Causes
OK - The G8 and the G20 were hosted this time by Canada. Now, personally, I think they are both a huge waste of time and money as usually nothing gets done. And, if we have to keep these summit meets, why don't they just combine the G8 into the G20? This just seems logical to me. And the expense? Well, most (or a lot ) of people thought spending $Billion on security was simply a waste. Now, admittedly, the biggest farce and embarrassment to Canada was, of course, the Fake Lake, or as someone put it, The Puny Pond. Worth $75,00 dollars (or was it more?) they spent for that is absolutely ridiculous! HOWEVER, the rest of the money spent on security to keep not only the city of Toronto, its visitors and citizens safe turned out to be well spent, it was also necessary. Why? Because of a bunch of thugs, criminals and COWARDS known as the Black Bloc showed up to not only disrupt the summit but to destroy anything they could....to beating up people and destroying buildings, police cars and businesses, but to mar and take away messages of other groups who were legitimately protesting things they felt passionate about. The Black Bloc call themselves protesters and anarchists.....they are so very wrong on both terms! Protesters actually care about something, have feelings about issues and the need for change, as do anarchists. This group of people are simply thugs, bullies and criminals. And COWARDS! Covering their faces, shows me they are thugs and cowards.....they were they not to convey a message, but to create disturbances and hate and fear to turn Toronto into a kind of place that it has never been and hopefully will never be again.....all without showing the world their face. Then, later, they even changed out of their black attire so that they would not be recognized. How cowardly and immature. These people are NOT protesters nor are they anarchists as those groups believe in an ideal, a cause. The Black Bloc do not. And I think they should be forever banned from any type of public display in any city they show up in. Is that not right? Are we taking their human rights away? I don't think they should have any right to destroy, to harm or to create fear. And I salute all the actual protesters who peacefully conveyed their messages and feelings and causes. And not only do I take my hat off in a salute, but I thank all the peace officers and police and security forces that kept Toronto safe in the face of stupidity. Peace
And as I mentioned in my previous post, this has greatly helped my Robert, this blog has. Now, he doesn't have to listen to me go off, nor does he have to pick up my portable soap box after I am done. : - )
And as I mentioned in my previous post, this has greatly helped my Robert, this blog has. Now, he doesn't have to listen to me go off, nor does he have to pick up my portable soap box after I am done. : - )
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Well, there has been more than one person who told me I should start a blog. I am not sure why, but perhaps it will ease the pain that my husband, Robert, endures almost daily when I go off about something. Over the years, he has allowed me 20 minutes a day to do so.....and he even listened to me once in a while! His usual is to smile and nod his head. Now, I guess I can go off for more than 20 minutes and I don't have to make him endure.....aren't I just the loving, giving wifey?
And, as I have been told by other bloggers that it is therapeutic....and to not worry about if someone is going to read it, that not the point of blogging. And that if someone DOES happen to read it, maybe it might set them to thinking about another view.
So, whatever the results or responses or reasons, I present my blog. Couldn't figure out a name for it tho, so I guess Lou's Log is as good as any....
And, as I have been told by other bloggers that it is therapeutic....and to not worry about if someone is going to read it, that not the point of blogging. And that if someone DOES happen to read it, maybe it might set them to thinking about another view.
So, whatever the results or responses or reasons, I present my blog. Couldn't figure out a name for it tho, so I guess Lou's Log is as good as any....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)